The Head and the Heart

Who knows why we do the things we do or what makes us tick. Some people know what they want to be when they grow up from the age of five and they become obsessed with it and follow through. Most people change their minds five times before they figure it out and still some never make the connection and spend their life wandering and

I love this orchid, the goofy face inside.

wondering. Too many times we get detoured, distracted, dissuaded, and discouraged from doing the thing that the pit of our stomach tells us we should do. Or we get bored and lose interest quickly, and who knows why. Or our families soak up any energy we have and we end up living for our children, or worse, through our children. And some of us simply don’t care what we do – living day to day and putting family and friends above all else, only doing the 9 to 5 to cover those costs. There’s nothing wrong with any of those paths.

Except that I’ve always wished I could know what it is that I want to do and be really really good at that one thing. But I’m one of the people who are still wondering and wandering, losing interest and getting bored, getting distracted and discouraged too easily and probably trying to do too many different things without much focus. I like to try different things, what can I say?

I always hear people say these horrible vague cliches like “follow your heart” and “just be yourself”. But I often get my brain and my heart confused, not to mention my hormones give conflicting and impulsive advice. And “just being myself” isn’t really an option when I’m always changing and trying to not be the self that I don’t want to be. And sometimes our feet aren’t planted firmly on the ground, like mine so often aren’t, allowing my head to dip into the clouds, which is also not helpful. Daydreaming never got me anywhere besides a brutal awakening. So between the head, heart, hormones and hallucinations where does that leave me?

Am I the only one who can’t tell the difference between my heart and my mind talking? If you can tell the difference, which one usually wins out most of the time – the head or the heart? And does your heart always save you or does it cause you much anguish down the road? Won’t listening to your mind sometimes protect you? Why is it so bad to listen to our brains, too, or is it?

I’ve spent the last year trying to “listen to my heart”, but my heart stopped talking a few months ago or I’m trying to ignore whatever it is trying to tell me; I’m not sure which. The only thing I hear my heart saying is “go back to India”, but my brain is talking back, saying, “No, not yet. Hold your horses.” So that leaves me stuck in limbo. The only thing I know to do is the work that has been set before me. People do the things they know how to do. And that’s where I am. Like Arjuna in the Bhagavad Gita, I must do my dharma and do it well, even though I’m not all that into it. And it’s not about following my heart or my head — it’s about going with the flow of energy that is God, the force of nature. And that’s probably the same force that makes us listen to our head or our hearts anyway.

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