“Our real discoveries come from chaos, from going to the place that looks wrong and stupid and foolish.” ~Chuck Palahniuk
Tonight I found myself at an event full of people, but I felt isolated and alone. I went to what I thought was a photography exhibit in a bookstore, which a new acquaintance had told me about. Instead, the event was more of a “talk” than an exhibit — the photographer was speaking about his new book of photos. The photographer was speaking in Spanish about his new book of photos. Fortunately for me, since I don’t speak Spanish well enough to understand a lick, there was at least a five-minute video that displayed some of the photographer’s beautiful photos of this mystical island.
I was happy that I recognized many of the places and icons in his photographs — Culebra, the Flamboyan tree, the Indian caves, the window caves, El Yunque (the rainforest). I have been so lucky to experience the natural beauty of Puerto Rico up close. Last week I went to the forest reserves — it was a place like no other. I was in the forest with winding and twisting trees wrapping around a still stream of water, covered in layers of green, yet I could still hear the waves of the ocean crashing to the shore. Magical.
Sometimes I wonder what it is exactly that I’m doing here. I have difficulty explaining to people why I moved to San Juan. There was a plethora of reasons I suppose. And I still don’t think of this move as permanent, even though my cat reluctantly agreed to make the move and is here keeping me company. Even though I am probably going to buy some sort of vehicle to get from point A to point B pretty soon. Even though I miss my belongings, still in storage after a year and a half, and wonder how and when I should bring them here. Even though I can’t think of anywhere else I’d rather live right now.
But here I am. Slowly making new friends. New business connections. Very slowly learning Spanish. Getting settled in.
“Chaos is what we’ve lost touch with. This is why it is given a bad name. It is feared by the dominant archetype of our world, which is Ego, which clenches because its existence is defined in terms of control.” ~Terence McKenna
Last night I met a woman from Russia. She is maybe in her 20’s. Her English was very good, but I felt a tinge of jealousy go through my spine when she was able to order water with lemon in perfect Spanish at the restaurant we were dining at. Three languages!! I have problems with my native tongue. How will I ever learn Spanish? Especially in a country where everyone CAN speak English and I am able to fall back on my English so easily?
My problem with learning the language really isn’t that I am incapable. And most likely, if I tried, I would probably find that I *can* speak it a little bit. The problem is that I’m shy and I feel embarrassed and that speaking in Spanish may cause me to be a little out of control, because I may not know exactly what I’m saying — I may say something the wrong way, I may cause more confusion than is necessary or I may waste someone’s time. Being the introvert that I am, all of these things inhibit me from just cutting loose and giving it a go.
I am terrible at small talk. I find it dull and am afraid of coming across as clumsy or boring people with common pleasantries. But still, I try to think of things to say when riding an elevator with strangers or waiting in line at a check-out counter. But if I can’t think of anything, I’ll just stand there awkwardly in silence and miss my cue. Maybe my hesitations with Spanish stem from a similar reason – it takes me too long to formulate the words and I miss my cue. Also, I’m terrified of sounding like a 3-year-old when I speak, or worse, an idiot. Whatever the case is, I don’t feel like I have control over the conversation or over my ability to converse.
And that’s why I like writing — I control the conversation!
But what is so great about control? There is nothing wrong with embracing chaos, which can bring wonderful gifts and insights, as well as beauty. We don’t learn from being in a controlled situation where we always know what’s going to happen next. We learn from the unexpected, the uncontrolled, and the unpredictable. That’s how we grow.
Still, I have trouble forcing this philosophy on myself or living by it.
Have any of you other introverts had a similar problem of feeling isolated in a foreign country? Any tips you can share on learning a language? Are my more extroverted friends able to offer advice or motivation on embracing chaos and/or living freely?
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No tips, but both extended stays in Paris left me with that feeling. And yet I’d go back in a heartbeat. As much as I hate feeling out of my element, it makes me feel fully alive.
We’re not great at Spanish, but we can get by in many situations. Adam is definitely more the speaker than I am. I tend to be better at the translating. I also have that fear of sounding like an idiot…
I would suggest to start speaking Spanish in controlled situations where you know most of the vocabulary that could come up – like buying something at a market. Retailers have an incentive to give you a chance to speak Spanish – they want to sell you things.