I was sitting on the beach when I noticed a lonesome little bee innocently hobbling through the sand. What was he doing there, with no nectar to suck on, no other bees to nest with? He seemed confused, zigzagging his way down the sand toward the waves. He wasn’t flying, using his wings only to balance himself while stumbling over the grains of sand with his stringy legs. He looked so all alone.
Next, he began to circle like he had no idea where he was going, where he should be going, and a little frantic to get anywhere. He went in circles one way and then reversed course and circled in a different direction. Maybe he was suffering from heat exhaustion. Or looking for a good place to die, hoping his small bee body would be safely buried and whisked off the shore by the nearby ocean waves. Was he blown by the wind here on the beach, or did he mean to settle here?
And that’s a question I ask myself about why I am living in Puerto Rico … was I blown in by the wind, the forces that be, or did I intentionally land here? I can’t help but feel like that bee some days, confused and worried and wondering where I should go, where to land next. I started on my journey “to find myself” nearly a year ago and fear I’ve gotten nowhere. No major changes have occurred that I can sense. No big shifts in my personality or character that I can tell. The major things I wish I could change about myself still plague me.
I wonder who I am, who I want to be. I wonder what would make me happy. I wonder why I’m unhappy when I settle anywhere, why I don’t feel as though I fit in anywhere. I don’t know where I’m supposed to be. And maybe I’m supposed to be traveling in circles until I figure it out. Or maybe I’m supposed to just keep hopping from place to place. Or … maybe I’m not supposed to do anything, but simply “be”.
I originally came to Puerto Rico with one goal in mind: to open myself up more. I hadn’t realized until recently what a closed-off person I had become. And mostly it was due to fear, this constant worry of what others think of me and taking life too seriously, caused me to shut down, shut off my personality, and live within myself where I thought it was safe. But I’ve come to realize – I’m not a sanctuary, and living within myself can be Hell, depending on my mood.
I want to learn to have more fun and “let go”. And remember that every feeling isn’t that pertinent (or permanent) and the thoughts spinning around in my head only drive me crazy, they rarely solve problems. I need to learn that it’s OK to fail and fail again. That’s what life is. Failing and picking yourself up again.
Everything can’t be perfect. It never will be. Excellence is something to strive for it, but not when it hinders your ability to explore, to live, to sink deep into the sea of life.
- Does Serving Others Make Us More Humane? - January 12, 2024
- CBD Oil and My Missing Thoughts - October 26, 2023
- How Do We Stay True to Ourselves? - February 26, 2023
I loved the raw emotion detailed in this story, and the reference to the bee. Most bees do the same thing they see the other bees doing- working relentlessly on keeping up with the bee hive, buzzing here and there, satiating themselves with food (nectar). I think this bee was tired of all that. He was circling around because he was playing and he was headed to the ocean because he hadn’t been there before. He wasn’t flying because he does that all the time. And he was by himself because this is the way to freedom and independence. Thank you for your bold words, as we all feel this way at times but instead of opening up we sometimes feel safer in our bee hives!
That picture is so beautiful. I can see why you love it there. Matt 6:33 says, “But seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” “Bee” happy. God loves you and we do too!